


Letters

by MikazukiMunechika305



Category: Peacemaker Kurogane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 16:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8379145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MikazukiMunechika305/pseuds/MikazukiMunechika305
Summary: One of the letters, he rips apart, into what feels like thousands of tiny pieces. He doesn't want to ever read it again.The other one, he folds carefully, and keeps it in one of his drawers. And whenever he only looks at it, he remembers.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to say that I read ch 44 of the manga completely without knowing the context since I couldn't find the previous chapters at that time, and that I don't know if there are any later chapters published yet, so I have no idea how well this fits into the manga's storyline and if it is compatible with the actual history. By that, I mean I have no idea if it's reasonable for the letter to take one week to arrive, or if it would have taken longer...  
> Also, as always, I hope the characters aren't too ooc...

_ Hino, June 19th, 1868 _

_Hijikata-san._

_I hope you’re well. While I am feeling physically fine myself, there’s a heavy weight on my mind.  
Sadly I have to share this weight with you, although I am well aware it might influence your abilities in battle._

_This morning, my little brother, Souji, left his room, saying he was feeling relatively well._  
_He didn’t tell anyone where he was going, and didn’t leave any kind of note either._  
_The only thing similar to that was the letter I found under his pillow. I’m sending it to you together with my own, and together with his hair tie._  
_One of the maids told me she had seen Souji walk to the shrine at the other end of the street. While this is in no way a long journey for a healthy person, I believe you can imagine which state my brother was in by now. I know which time he left my house at, and people on the street told me they’d seen him pray in front of the shrine half an hour later._  
_Souji seems to have stayed there for quite a long time. I don’t think it’s a lie when I mention that he was probably praying for you and the Shinsengumi, and for Tetsunosuke-kun._  
_He returned home an hour before lunchtime, shut the door to his room, and didn’t come out anymore. On his sleeves were fresh bloodstains, so I believe he coughed again at the shrine._  
_We could hear him coughing for that entire hour, until I went to bring him his lunch. It’s cold here, which probably hasn’t been good for him._  
_When I entered his room, his forehead felt hot enough to cook on it. He was barely in any state to talk anymore, and he couldn’t even drink the soup I had prepared for him._  
_Nevertheless, he smiled at me, his eyes full of tears, his lips bloody, and said with his hoarse voice, “Don’t cry, Mitsu. Please tell Hijikata-san that I’m fine.”_  
_With that, nothing I could have said or done in such a situation felt right anymore. I couldn’t do anything but watch him as he coughed violently, repeated, “I want Hijikata-san to know that I’m fine,” and finally died with a smile on his lips._

 _There is only one thing I ask of you now, Hijikata-san._  
_I can’t ask you to live, or to come here, because I know we’re at war, and we never know how long our lives will go on._  
_But I ask you to remember him, to keep your memories of him with you, because I believe that’s what he would have wanted._  
_I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of him better._

_Okita Mitsu._

The ink is smeared at some spots, especially in the last three lines; a certain sign that she has been crying.  
Hijikata’s hands clench to fists around the margin of the sheet of paper.  
He doesn’t cry. Instead, he rips Okita Mitsu’s letter into hundreds of tiny pieces. He doesn’t want to read these words ever again.  
“You’re an idiot…” His voice is shaking, and he notices something wet, hot drip down onto the back of his hand.  
Maybe he’s crying after all.  
It’s June 26th now. It’s taken the letter one week to arrive.  
If Hijikata had been there one week ago, he could have stopped Souji from going to the shrine. He could have prolonged his life for at least one day.  
He could have said goodbye.

**(But he wasn’t there.)**

_He_ could have been the one to take care of Souji, he could have held Souji’s hand, he could have yelled at Souji.  
He could have said what he’s thinking right now, “Don’t smile about something like this. It’s too serious. I don’t want you to pretend you were fine when you obviously aren’t.”

**(But he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there, he _couldn’t_ say goodbye, he _couldn’t_ complain about Souji pretending to be fine.)**

Hijikata wipes the ripped-apart letter off his desk and reaches out for the second one, the one written by Souji himself.  
His handwriting isn’t the least shaky, he must have been feeling very well when he’s been writing this.

_Dear Hijikata-san!_

_Ah, I’ve always wanted to write that once. I don’t remember the exact date of when I last wrote a letter to you, but I’m sure I didn’t start it like this._

_Are you doing well? How are the battles going? I’ve heard people say the Shinsengumi was losing their battles. That’s not true, is it?_

_I’m feeling fine. In fact, after that long march… when you told me to keep breathing… I kept breathing. I still am._

**(‘No, you’re not,’ Hijikata thinks, and unconsciously wipes across his eyes.)**

_Mitsu is taking good care of me, but I miss you. It’s boring here without Tetsu-kun and the others. It’s boring here without_ you.  
_All I’m allowed to do is reading. I can’t even open the door to watch the snow fall because “The cold air won’t be good for your lungs,” as Mitsu keeps saying._  
_At least I still have my memories from when we watched the snow fall together, and the fireworks, and the cherry blossoms._  
_When this war is over, you’ll come back here, right? You’ll tell Mitsu that a little fresh air is good for me, and you’ll take me outside and watch the stars with me at night._

**(‘I wanted to. I really did.’)**

_Oh, what am I saying? I should add, “If I’m still alive then.”  
Because nobody knows how many more days, hours, minutes, and seconds their life will have, right?_

**(‘You’re wrong.’)**

_Thank you, Hijikata-san._

**(‘No, don’t thank me. Don’t talk like it was over yet.’)**

_I don’t want to seem like I was giving up, but I’m saying this already, just in case. I just want you to know how thankful I am already, since I’ve barely told you before._  
_Just in case I can’t, for some reason, I want you to keep breathing, okay, Hijikata-san?_  
_You said this to me, but I feel the need to say it to you as well. Because right now you’re probably the one running around out there and fighting recklessly because you hope to finish this while I’m still here._

**(‘You know me too well.’)**

_I’m looking forward to seeing you again, Hijikata-san._  
_I’m looking forward to watching the stars, and the fireworks, and the snow with you again._  
_Come back here soon._  
_Please._

_Souji._

Hijikata doesn’t rip this letter apart. He stares at it for a long time, and then folds it carefully.  
He puts it into one of the drawers of the small commode in one of the corners of his room, gets up, and leaves his room.  
“Hijikata-san?” one of the men coincidentally passing him asks in surprise, because he’s not used to seeing the commander as sad and thoughtful as he looks now.  
“Gather everyone,” Hijikata orders. “I have an announcement to make.”

It takes about half an hour for all the men to gather.  
Hijikata knows some of them only know Souji from hearing others’ stories about him, but he’s going to make this announcement anyways.  
“Some of you probably don’t know him,” he begins, and by ‘don’t know him’ he means ‘have never talked to him personally.’ “Okita Souji…”  
Tetsunosuke, standing in the first row of the men, lowers his head slightly, his entire stance expressing sadness. Of course he would know.  
“Okita Souji died one week ago.”

**(And nobody can bring him back. It’s already been as if he had died once, when he has left the Shinsengumi to live with his sister, three months and a half ago. At that time, it would have been possible to bring him back. It would have been possible to visit him. Hijikata has deliberately decided against that.)**

“Okita Souji died one week ago. That’s all.” He makes his voice sound indifferent, and as if he didn’t care.  
He’s always been good at hiding his actual feelings from the warriors fighting for him.  
He doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s the one suffering the most.  
Tetsunosuke looks up again, right into Hijikata’s eyes, and he’s been with him for long enough to tell that Hijikata is faking his feelings right now.  
“I’m sorry,” he says, just loud enough for Hijikata to hear.  
Hijikata shakes his head. “No need to be.”

But in the evening, before he goes to bed, Hijikata ties the ribbon Souji has tied his hair back with around his wrist like a bracelet, and when he wakes up in the next morning, his cheeks and his pillow are wet.


End file.
